Thursday, March 26, 2009

'Nother Black Keys side project

Here's a new side project by Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney called Drummer.
According to Pitchfork and Entertainment Weekly, it's a super group comprised of other Drummers from Ohio bands, with Carney playing bass. BK singer Dan Auerbach's solo debut, released last month, veered only slightly from the Black keys roots-rock sound. Drummer finds itself in that '90s/late '80s college rock groove.
The one song available for listen is pretty great:

The only band that matters

Ten reasons (songs) why the Clash is the only band that mattered.

1. Revolution Rock

2. Guns of Brixton

3. London Calling

4. Bankrobber

5. Police and Thieves

6. I'm So Bored with the USA

7. Straight to Hell

8. White Man in Hammersmith Palais

9. Lost in the Supermarket

10. Train in Vain

Redicluous Inept And Archaic

I suppose this is better than the old policy of beating old ladies and disabled children with 180-gram vinyl records.

Last year the RIAA announced that it would stop suing the pants off people that downloaded a couple Jimmy Buffet songs on that InterWeb thingy. But taken to the logical extreme, the new policy threatens to cut people off from the most powerful and relevent communication tool develeoped since, I dunno, the printing press.

As much as it wishes to be the FCC, he RIAA is not a government agency — though it does have as many greedy, backward-thinking suits with all the answers, baby.

Imagine if GM had the power to close down an interstate because you bought a Honda? That was a terrible metaphor, but it was better than the other three that didn't make it in this post.

Either way, it's fucking bullshit. Comcast is back to it's old tricks, and it's too bad ATnT is following suit. With the economy crashing, and the record industry's traditional business model way beyond repair, the last thing this country needs is less music, corporate collusion and more people with out modern technology/communication skills.

And by the way, I buy more CDs than I can afford, so fuck off RIAA.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Music to lose your values to

Welcome to nihilism week.

I feel like an undergrad who just read some seminal think piece that everyone else has already processed, but still won't stop telling everyone how much his world view has changed anyway. Sadly, all I read was a graphic novel. Double worse, I read it after seeing the movie. It didn't really change my world view, if anything it strengthened my pre-existing cynical outlook, but it did send me into a spin cycle where it was all I could think about, at least for three days. But who gives a flying fart? It was sweet, so sweet that the Comedian's "the world is one big killing joke"
philosophy reinforcement sent me into an existential crises.

If nukes don't level all our favorite American cities, the economic crises and accompanying city-crumbling will surely turn us into shells of the fine human beings we once were. I can't find any euthanasia clinics in central Illinois, apparently those goddamn-pinko-commie-atheist-fag-socialist-ball-sucking-tutti-fruity-loose-booty-LIBERALS haven't run us over quite yet. So if I can't shuffle myself loose the mortal coil as easy as buying a hamburger (that's the true American way), I might as well provide a guide to some cacophonous, slimy and dirty tunes to crawl inside your soul before letting out a silent-but-deadly cyanide fart. The best subversive songs don't actually have to be about dirty things, it's the feeling, the empty, cruel feeling of absolute rotten-decay that makes really good dirty music stink. Or, they can just be the grimy music that perfectly suits the background for a bit of debouched behavior.

Black Lips - Drugs

Often, the production is the dirtiest thing in a Black Lips tune. I have no idea what they are saying through most of this song, but I caught a few words like "back seat," so that can't be good, oh, and the song is called "Drugs." This is off the band's epic 2009 album "200 Million Thousand." Go get it, or be ignorant for eternity.
Here's a video for a better song on the album: Short Fuse.

The Kills - Fuck the People
The title says it all. The pure opposite of shameless populism, the track lets you know that Hotel and W really don't give a fuck about your existence. They would rather pout, scrape the rust off guitars and wear really, really skinny jeans. (And probably drink lots of PBR and smoke Parliament cigarettes, before telling you that your favorite band sucks.)

Getto Boys - Mind Playing Tricks on Me
One of the best rap songs ever, period, and it doesn't include one verse of bling-braggadocio or forced posturing. Instead, the honest rhymes tell the story of gang-banger rendered so paranoid by all the violence and substance abuse that he thinks some huge and angry killer is always lurking behind the nearest bush, waiting to lay a motherfucker to rest. This song is thick and eerie as hell, and you will probably murder your neighbors in a fit of confused rage once it's over.

Fucked Up - Any track from "Chemistry of Common Life"
The first song, "Son the Father" begs the question
"It's hard enough being born in the first place: who would want to be born again?"
Track number 5, "Crooked Head," is one of the best songs of last year.

Richard Hell and the Voidoids - Blank Generation
One of my favorite Punk or post-punk tunes of all time — angled guitars, sneering vocals, a near-jazz drum beat — and the genre defining lyrics. This video's audio sucks but it's the best I could do.

Rolling Stones - Rocks Off
One off the band's best party jams, and the kickoff track on "Exile on Main street," this has just about all the best elements of the Stones' straight ahead rock numbers — Richards' perfect rhythm guitar, Jagger lyrics that function as either literal rock 'n' roll tales or/and sex allegories, and a little drugged out interlude that the song can take or leave.

God damn I love rock 'n' roll.
I'm cured already.

WALTER - Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
DONNY - They were Nazis, Dude?
WALTER - Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration!
DUDE - They're nihilists.
DUDE - They kept saying they believe in nothing.
WALTER - Nihilists! Jesus.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Game Plan

Watchmen, in theaters now ... and your local bookstore ...

Fairly soon, no doubt, nuclear warheads will rain upon American cities, rats will once again carry untreatable disease and the more paranoid among us will retreat into our concrete bunkers to wait for the fallout to pass.

In an effort to avoid a jarring transition between my current state of mindless consumption and the inevitable do-without lifestyle my underground trappings will require, I've developed a guide to living as if the Apocalypse has already happened. That way, when I do have to strip my daily activities to the bare minimum, it will require the same scant effort I put into everything else.

1.) Eat only canned goods
I brought a can of Hormel's canned chili to work for lunch today. It's not too bad, almost as spicy as advertised, and with just a minimal amount of gristle and sand. In fact, I appreciate the added texture. As long as I can still use a microwave in the future, my diet probably won't change drastically, although I will miss milk.

2.) Stockpile booze and cigarettes
Driving to the local liquor store will not be an option when the violent force of a hydrogen bomb renders neighbors nothing but shadows and Oldsmobiles to only dust. The most bang-for-the-buck, storage wise, is hard liquor, but a few hundred cases of PBR (for variety's sake) wouldn't hurt.

3.) Hoard books, magazines, DVDs and CDs
Entertainment, self-education and media will be the best time-filler. Once again, storage space is key, and books probably kill the most time per-square-inch, but DVDs can be watched over and over again, and I've not the type to regularly re-read the same books. A laptop and Kindle would take care of all these needs, but in the event of nuclear annihilation, it might be nice to actually hold the paper, art, liner notes, etc.

4. Grow and strengthen fingernails to dramatic effect
This will come in handy for building my legacy. When archaeologists (or my parents) find my remains in the bottom of a poorly constructed bomb shelter, they will also find a tally mark for each day of solitude scratched into the concrete walls. Never mind my tools and sharp aluminum from empty beer cans that could be used, they will know I was a man obsessed, a man of epic will who kept time with rat-like tenacity. This could prove difficult (I chew the fuck out of my fingernails) but I haven't trimmed my toenails in weeks!

5. When at home, wear pajamas and never leave the house
No further explanation needed.

Upon further review, I already live as if a nuclear holocaust has devastated everything outside my front door. No lifestyle changes needed, as long as I can dig a tunnel to The Dormitory.
Have fun transitioning to your new cramped quarters, you do-gooder health freaks — if you weren't already outside jogging when it all came to an end.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

New Band. (!)


The White Stripes + The Kills + The Raconteurs + Queens of the Stone Age = The Dead Weather

Jack White has teamed up with Kills front-woman W (aka Alison Mosshart), Jack Lawrence (bassist for the Racontuers and Greenhorns) and QOTSA member Dean Fertita to form the Dead Weather. The link
above lets you listen to a track or two.

I'm psyched.

I have never really cared for Brendan Benson, or his contributions to Jack's other side project the Raconteurs, and
I'm excited to see what Jack can do with some fresh blood. According to Pitchfork, Jack is playing drums and singing with this, his third band, and the debut LP is already due for a June release.

If I had to make up a label for the Kills, I guess I'd call them a fashion-blues (or maybe punk-blues?) duo. Their 2003 debut "Keep on Your Mean Side" combined arty nihilism, stomping-dirt guitars, drum machines, lots of sex and cig smoke for one nasty/awesome record. (The best chorus on the album is "Fuck the People.) Other sweet Kills tracks include "Fried My little Brains" and "Monkey 23." Their newer albums have been a little more boring, but still, they are pretty sweet.

This pairing does make perfect sense, the best parts of two blues/rock duos joining forces? I guess the Black Keys are next.

According to Stereogum, the new group coincides with the grand opening of the new offices for his Third Man Record label. The place includes a vinyl record store, photo studio, dark room, and performance stage. Who want to move to Nashville with me?

Friday, March 6, 2009

The biggest loser

These horrible album covers have nothing to do with this blog entry. To see more, and where I got them from, I highly recommend you visit this:

or for the full version, this:

I'm a really big loser, so occasionally I like to play a little game with myself (No, not that. But yeah, also that.) I go to and guess what the over-all score different albums and movies are going to receive before I read any reviews (both about movies and music I have seen/heard and ones I have not.) I'm really, really good at it, too, because like I said, I'm a huge fucking loser.

I'm gonna publicly play my little prognostication game on Warped Coasters now, but limit the scope to how many stars some up-coming albums will receive from the most predictable of all music rags: Rolling Stone. I still love their features and longer stories, but no discerning music fan has bought Rolling Stone for the reviews since probably 1969.

Now that I'm finally publishing my worthless talent, I will probably botch all of these predictions and hang my head in shame for perpetuity.

Bob Dylan - (as of yet untitled): 4.5 stars
This would be an easy 5-star prediction, but they gave Dylan's last album "Modern Times" a (deserving) 5-star rating. Also, they already gave both U2 and Springsteen 5 stars this year, which is one album past their usual 5-star stockpile. You know they will prolly give him 5-stars anyway.

Green Day - "21 Century Breakdown": 3 stars
"American Idiot" got 3.5 stars. The follow up could totally blow, but Rolling Stone has been writing so many hype-dredging previews that they won't be able to admit it if it does. Also, they can't give it more stars than "American Idiot" since that was, like, the biggest album of 2004. Or, they could try to payback history by giving the follow up 4-stars to please people that actually care about these kinds of things. For the record, I'm totally ambivalent about everything Green Day has released since "Dookie," which I will still love forever.

Decemberists - "The Hazards of Love": 3.5 stars
Good indie bands always get 3 to 3.5 stars, unless it's the album Rolling Stone wants to champion to regain some sort of cred. The Decemberists have been around too long for that kind of desperate grab, so expect a review in the default and noncommittal 3-star range.

Wilco - (as of yet untitled):
4 stars
Wilco always gets 4 stars. Whatever. If I think it's not up to par, Rolling Stone will like it and talk about how our Dads love it. If I think it's great Rolling Stone will say they tried some new things that don't always work. Either way it will get 4 stars.

Grizzly Bear, Iron and Wine, Silversun Pickups: all 3 stars.
See Decemberists

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Key Master

Warped Coasters uses StatCounter — a Web site and embedded blog application — to keep track of web traffic to-and-from this blog. It shows what country people came from while visiting, how often certain IP addresses visit the blog, and shows how long the average person stays and reads, among other functions. It doesn't provide names or addresses of visitors, or any private information.

One of the best features is the "recent keyword activity" that shows what words people Googled to bring up Warped Coasters, either by accident or on purpose. The results can be gratifying, like when people Google "Dr. Dog" and arrive here to read a review, but more often the results are funny. People Google retarded shit constantly, and more often than not they end up on this blog (hopefully) reading about things that had nothing to do with what they searched for.

1) "itunes shuffle sucks"
Apparently people are not satisfied with itunes' "random" shuffle function. As any itunes user can attest to, it often seems like you constantly hear the same 8 songs out of a 10-thousand-track library while on "shuffle." People Google "itune shuffle sucks" on a weekly basis and end up on my sarcastic entry about how the new itunes function "genius" is evil and will eventually take over all hard-drives, creating one sentient singularity equipped with enough bites to destroy mankind.

I'm sure people who whacked their elbow were irritated when the desperate search for answers landed on my entry about amateur night at the Funny Bone comedy club in Springfield, Il. This has happened more than once.

This search sent some poor soul to a post about the NPR site that has full streaming albums. I have no idea what they were hoping to find. This mismatched Google search apparently was conducted on a personal computer in China, so who knows what Engrish they were attempting. Side note: StatCounter also records what operating system visitors are using, and one of Warped Coasters proudest moments was when I discovered that someone surfed this blog on an iPhone in China. That is fucking cool.

4) "Keffia"
Over the last month, this keyword brought more traffic to the blog than any other, and it led wandering souls directly to an entry about donuts. Suckers.

5) "Barack obama bubble gum and kick ass song"
I have no idea why this was googled, or what the fuck they were looking for, but they ended up (hopefuly) reading about Rowdy Roddy Piper, the film "They Live" and its inspiration of artist Shepherd Fairey (who eventually designed the iconic Obama image).

6) Rowdy Roddy piper
Within a minute or two of the aforementioned post, some asshole Googled Mr. Piper and landed on this here blawg. Roasted!

7) "Bonitis"
People Google "bonitis," all the time, too. I don't know if its 13-year-olds taking breaks from pretending to be lesbians in chat rooms to research if the fictional disease from Futurama is real, or if it's a common misspelling of some real disease, either way I'm sure they didn't find what they were looking for here.

This entry provided me with an excuse to use all the keywords that bring me the most traffic, again. Nice.