The Key Master

Warped Coasters uses StatCounter — a Web site and embedded blog application — to keep track of web traffic to-and-from this blog. It shows what country people came from while visiting, how often certain IP addresses visit the blog, and shows how long the average person stays and reads, among other functions. It doesn't provide names or addresses of visitors, or any private information.

One of the best features is the "recent keyword activity" that shows what words people Googled to bring up Warped Coasters, either by accident or on purpose. The results can be gratifying, like when people Google "Dr. Dog" and arrive here to read a review, but more often the results are funny. People Google retarded shit constantly, and more often than not they end up on this blog (hopefully) reading about things that had nothing to do with what they searched for.

1) "itunes shuffle sucks"

Apparently people are not satisfied with itunes' "random" shuffle function. As any itunes user can attest to, it often seems like you constantly hear the same 8 songs out of a 10-thousand-track library while on "shuffle." People Google "itune shuffle sucks" on a weekly basis and end up on my sarcastic entry about how the new itunes function "genius" is evil and will eventually take over all hard-drives, creating one sentient singularity equipped with enough bites to destroy mankind.

2) "FUNNY BONE HURTS!"

I'm sure people who whacked their elbow were irritated when the desperate search for answers landed on my entry about amateur night at the Funny Bone comedy club in Springfield, Il. This has happened more than once.

3) "MOTHERFATHER"

This search sent some poor soul to a post about the NPR site that has full streaming albums. I have no idea what they were hoping to find. This mismatched Google search apparently was conducted on a personal computer in China, so who knows what Engrish they were attempting. Side note: StatCounter also records what operating system visitors are using, and one of Warped Coasters proudest moments was when I discovered that someone surfed this blog on an iPhone in China. That is fucking cool.

4) "Keffia"

Over the last month, this keyword brought more traffic to the blog than any other, and it led wandering souls directly to an entry about donuts. Suckers.

5) "Barack obama bubble gum and kick ass song"

I have no idea why this was googled, or what the fuck they were looking for, but they ended up (hopefuly) reading about Rowdy Roddy Piper, the film "They Live" and its inspiration of artist Shepherd Fairey (who eventually designed the iconic Obama image).

6) Rowdy Roddy piper

Within a minute or two of the aforementioned post, some asshole Googled Mr. Piper and landed on this here blawg. Roasted!

7) "Bonitis"
People Google "bonitis," all the time, too. I don't know if its 13-year-olds taking breaks from pretending to be lesbians in chat rooms to research if the fictional disease from Futurama is real, or if it's a common misspelling of some real disease, either way I'm sure they didn't find what they were looking for here.

This entry provided me with an excuse to use all the keywords that bring me the most traffic, again. Nice.

"I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass.... and I'm all out of bubble gum."

We all owe Rowdy Roddy Piper some appreciation for our new president-elect.

The former wrestler starred in John Carpenter's cult classic 1988 action/horror flick "They Live," a sly commentary on Reagen-era consumerism and single-mindedness. In the film, Piper steals a pair of sunglasses from an extremist group that, when worn, reveal our planet's horrifying reality. Half the humans walking the streets and all the humans in power are, in fact, aliens in disguise. Billboard advertisements are actually mind-controlling propaganda. The film inspired Shepherd Fairey's ubiquitous Andre the Giant "Obey" art campaign. Well, it's the same Shepherd Fairey who (with infinite cred thanks to his vigilante "Obey" work) designed the iconic Obama poster that could not have hurt building the president-elect's brand and message (and probably garnered a few accidental votes along the way).
So, once again thank you Rowdy Roddy Piper, for your deadpan reading of Carpenter's script, for your choreographing of the never-ending fight scene in the alley (which was also spoofed nearly shot-for-shot by South Park) and for making a movie so bad ass it inspired an artist who then inspired millions in a presidential race.
Not bad for a meat head in a mullet.