Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Back on July 5 I gave a Colbertian wagging of the finger to Fandango for purchasing and then dismantling movies.com in an attempt to absorb its millions of users.
I took upon the Herculean task of sending angry emails to fandango, asking, no - demanding, that they bring back Mike's Buzz Bin and movie reviews by that Dave White guy. Well, ladies and gentleman, I received an email from Fuckdango this week: Movies.com is bringing back Mike's Buzz Bin and reviews by Mr. White.

These turn of events prove that, once again, I am the most powerful man in the world. My classically trained typing digits posses more clout than Paul Reuben, Fab Morvan, Rob Pilatus and Courtney Love - combined.

If there are any other world-plaguing injustices plaguing your limp, week and completely ineffectual little index fingers out there, I, Fred McSchmeckinstien, will write angry letters to anyone for the small fee of $1,000. It is time I use my powers for a greater good - capitalism!
Next on the list (if anyone pays me the per-letter fee) Henry Paulson, Mugabe, any Arab leaders, every citizen in Iraq, Syria, Pakistan and Afghanistan, all of you racists in Pennsylvania still clinging to guns and religion (I couldn't resist).

note: dammit, talking about Blandango on my blog again will probably trigger my advertisement bar to include fuckdango ads again

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Epic Fail

Dear 25 percent of Americans that still support George W. Bush, and/or 40 percent of Americans voting for John McCain:

Your movement is dying a slow and painful death.
It may spring back to life in 8, 12 or whatever years, but it's failed miserably and you are part of the minority still clinging to policies that have resulted in massive spike-covered earthworms eating away at Americans' rectal cavities.

Have you been irked by Obama's success? All media has to do is report what's going on in our country and around the world and of course it will appear negative towards McCain, he stands for all the same bullshit that has gotten us here in the first place — even with the incredibly incompetent 24/hour news media, no matter how they try to screw it up with the endless news cycle beating gaffes into your forehead and stretching half-truths and confusing opinions for facts.

Sure, there have been Democrats that haven't helped (Chris Dodd, Murtha ...) but they don't, at least in principle, represent the crumbling tower of Babel.

Simply reporting what is going on in this country looks bad for McCain and that is why Obama is destroying in the polls and many people are finally not voting against their own economic interests. If Wall Street hadn't collapsed, perhaps the Rovian tactics of fear and Evangelical base-stirring could have led the blind to another weaker-than-the-original-yet-still-diabolical Regan facsimile. Palin can try to divide America all she wants between lines of "real-Americans" and, ahem, whatever a "fake American" is, but it wont work. Americans' check books still need to be balanced, houses need to be paid, and giving more tax breaks to large corporations with more pull that any branch of government just isn't going to cut it. (And neither is stopping gays from getting married).

Your movement has failed so miserably that your own candidate, John McCain, claims he will try to change it. He is part of the incumbent party, yet he's co-opted the reform party's slogan, "change."

Lets have a quick summery:
Pre-emptive war and regime change to create a domino effect of democracy in mideast: Fail

Supposed reasons for going into iraq: Fail

Deregulation of banks and lack of government oversight of Wall Street: fail

trickle down economics (Bush's tax cuts): epic fail

Bush's plan to privatize social security: thank god we didn't give it the chance to fail or even more people's retirements would be tied up in sinking markets

diplomatic relations with Russia: currently failing

diplomatic relations with Iran: fail

diplomatic relations with N. Korea: I have no idea

finding Osama bin Laden and stabilizing Afghanistan: fail

diplomatic relations Pakistan: soon to fail

the troop "surge": successful solution to unnecessary problem .. hey! a half success!

leaving office better than you found it: fail

PS: If you think trickle down economics and lack of oversight of Wall Street didn't help to cause today's problems, then you must surely believe that poor people caused the crises.

note: I copy/pasted part of this entry from things I wrote in a facebook message. So, if I ever yearned for any respect/credibility/whatever, I will never attain it and remain a hack forever.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Peaches and Cream (know what I mean?)

I recently watched the excellent 2000 Brit gangster flick "Sexy Beast," and it introduced me to a band called The Stranglers, by way of their 1977 hit "Peaches." (It's the song that plays at the very beginning when the chubby main character is sunbathing by the pool.)
See how this works, one greasy piece of entertainment leads to another ...

Anywho, all it takes is the word "peaches" and I'm thinking about the Presidents of the United States of America. So, in honor of my favorite band in 4th grade, here's a list of my favorite food pyramid (fruit portion) inspired tracks:

The Stranglers - Peaches.
The bass line grooves like some proto-garage soul strut while the singer (whoever he is) sneers like Mick Jagger with more contempt than sex. The organ plops around, and before you can ask yourself how a California quasi-punk band could find such a groove, the singer (whatever his name is) is making near farting noises in what sounds like a vocoder. Whatever.

The Presidents of the United States of America - Peaches
Not to be outdone by the Stranglers, POTUSA still gets thrown on mix CDs occasionally, when I'm feeling really frisky. I will always love this song
they were made, by a man, in a factory ... downtown ...

A Tribe Called Quest - Bonita Applebum
This is the first Tribe song I heard, before I listened to any hip hop, I thought it was good then, but was confused - the only "hip hop" I knew was the shiit on the radio.
Years later I heard "Can I Kick It?" and "Scenario," went and got most of their songs, and realized these were the dudes I saw on TV when I was like 10 singing "Bonita Applebum." I can still see that video, Q-tip and crew in flannel, hiphoppin around, the sound stuck in my brain, man.

Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
I don't really care for bright eyes, he's always sounded a little more dickless than Dylan. This is more along the Neutral Milk Hotel side of his sound, and its a great song.

Marvin Gaye and/or Creedance Clearwater Revival - Heard it Through the Grape Vine
This has to be one of the most covered songs of all time. Even the least musically inclined can probably hear that bass line in between their clogged ears.

Herbie Hancock - Watermellon Man
Contrary to a joke in "Tommy Boy," Herbie Hancock was not one of the USA's founding fathers. But he did record some of the best jazz and funk of the century, this included.

Booker T and the MGs - Green Onions
OK, onions are probably vegetables, I don't really have a clue, but this is one of the all time classics.
Stax's house band was in full effect with this, one of the most indelible, cool-as-ice mother fucking instrumentals to ever grace the organ, drums, bass and guitar. You might not know it by name, but you know the riff when you hear it.

Spoon - You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb
"Cherry Bomb" is one of the best tracks off of the band's 2007's near perfect "Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga." How does Spoon mix so many seemingly incompatible sounds and make it sound like effortless pop? This one's throws it all in - the band's first time use of Stax style horns (surprise! It's a list from Ed, I can't go three paragraphs without mentioning Stax), Brit Daniel's always clever but concise songwriting, precise production, very danceable '80s drum beat and post-punk guitar ... wazzle wazzle wazzle ... he must be crazy CUTTING PRICES LIKE THAT!

The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever
Haunting nostalgia, beautiful, there's nothing left to say about the Beatles. I believe this song is about one of the fab four's grammar schools.

The Runaways - Cherry Bomb
I really wanted to leave this off the list but it's too damn sexy.

The White Stripes - Apple Blossom
This one just stomps around in all its lo-fi glory, good, not great.

Missed the cut
112 - Peaches and Cream, Beck - Peaches and Cream, Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes, Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl, Warrant - Cherry Pie