Monday, January 19, 2009

"Marge vs. the monorail"

(the following premise is thin at best)
Homer asked the eternal question, "Donuts, is there anything they can't do?" And as that classic Simpson's episode demonstrated, there is little donuts are not capable of, from stopping a cheap monorail gone rogue, to filling the belly of TV's favorite yellow dad. But what happens when donuts go bad?
1. They kill Jack Nance.
Nance starred as the titular character in David Lynch's disturbing black-n-white trip into nightmare and domestication, "Eraserhead." Nance had a resemblance to Tim Robbins (even with that "Eraserhead" hairdo) and was cast in every Lynch feature after the above-mentioned until "The Elephant Man."
Nance met his fateful end not attempting a stunt, or leaving the Viper Room, but while buying donuts at the wrong time. In December, 1996 he was involved in a physical altercation with two men in a Winchell's donut shop, and was struck in the head. A friend came and checked on him the next day only to find him dead.
Donuts 1 - Mankind 0

2. They kill JFK.
Urban legend persists that Kennedy allegedly made an embarrassing grammatical error in a 1963 speech in Berlin by saying "Ich bin ein Berliner," referring to himself not as a citizen of Berlin, but as a donut. By adding the "ein," his statement implied he's a non-human Berliner, thus "I am a jelly doughnut."
According to wikipedia, the sentence would not have been misconstrued in context by Germans, and the story only persists in this country.

The AV Club pointed me in the direction of the 1985 song "Ich Bin Ein Berliner" by the Ed Gein Fan Club. The punk band turned Kennedy's famous faux pas into a macabre jest about assassination conspiracy, claiming Lee Harvey Oswald was so infuriated by Kennedy's mistake that he "plugged him in his head." If JFK had not died, RFK would not have run for president until years later. Separated by time from the tumultuous and (assassination-happy) '60s, he might still be alive today. Without the deaths of his two brothers, Ted Kennedy would not have been driven to drinking and the resulting death of his babysitter. Having a healthy family support system, JFK Jr. would not have needed to jolt his adrenaline by flying planes, saving his life along with his wife and sister in-law.
Donuts 7 - Mankind 0

3. They inspire home-grown terrorists.
Rachel Ray received a perky-smile crushing amount of heat from rightwing wackos with nothing better to do when she wore a keffia in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial last year. The keffia is the traditional scarf of the Palestinian people, and recent accessory to detached hipsters everywhere. Dunkin' Donuts pulled the ad after Ray's obviously malicious and vile attempt to inspire Americans to throw homemade bombs at Israel fell apart after one, um, pull of the thread.
Donuts (incalculable, horrific damage) - Mankind 1

4. They kill us in greater numbers than cigarettes.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, in 1987 every state had an obesity rate under 15 percent. In 2007, every state recorded an obesity rate higher than 20 percent, save Colorado, and most states hovered around the 30 percent mark. I blame it all on donuts.
Donuts (impending Armageddon) - Mankind 1


I love donuts.

7 comments:

The Juice Box said...

that's amazing. donuts are pretty great.

The Juice Box said...

p.s. - you should make a "follower" list. then i can stalk you properly instead of finding updates through my blogroll. also, maybe a live traffic feed. i've had fun with that.

then you can see how often i really read your blog, haha.

Warped Coasters said...

i already know how often you read my blog, mwuahahaha ... via statcounter.com ...

the best feature of stat counter is if somebody lands on my blog via google search, it tells me search word they used. within 5 minutes of my Rowdy Roddy piper post some asshole googled Rowdy Roddy Piper and ended on Warped Coasters

but I do need a follower's list ...
explain

The Juice Box said...

just visit my page and you'll see what it is. your you can go to your "customize layout" page and add another tab. there should be one near the top of your options that says "followers." also, i tried statcounter but it didn't work for me. i did add the live traffic feed via feedjit. it's awesome! definitely fun seeing the sort of stuff people search and come across my blog. like random quotes from LOST's recent episode.

Oats said...

"Down For Whatever" Ice Cube quotes, (from the Office Space Soundtrack) "Because I got potential to blow up a Wenchill's Donut, and you know what..."

Ice Cube - 1 Donuts - 0


lol




oh and I found this page via a search on Illinois via 20sb... save you some time :)

Warped Coasters said...

Oats! excellent find, haha. The Office Space soundtrack continues to make my world a better place ... damn it feels good to be a gangster

Ollie Stench said...

Hey, this is Ollie from the Minneapolis band The Ed Gein Fan Club. Just doing the usual narcissistic google search and stumbled on your blog.

If anyone wants to torture themselves by actually hearing us you can go to the "legend" section of www.edgeinfanclub.com and dig around for a few albums worth of free "music".