Friday, October 30, 2009

Worst lyrics

Not all of these songs came out this year, but they were all played heavily. If I listened to the radio on a more regular basis, this list would probably be about 40 songs long.

1. Kings of Leon - "Sex on Fire"

"My sex is on fire"
Following three great albums, Kings of Leon's breakthrough song is titled after the worst lyric they ever wrote. Coincidence? No, people love terrible shit. That's why Jeff Dunham has fans. Try and write the dumbest thing you can think of, add the word "sex" and you've got a top 40 hit ... which leads us to our next song.

2. Jeremih - "Birthday Sex"

Every lyric in the entire song.
I don't know how to pronounce this grade-A retard's name. I don't know if it's missing a letter, or if I'm just supposed to pronounce it Jer-em-meh. This is one of the more inane hooks of the year, second only to that god forsaken text-speak song lower on this list. Attempting to elevate the most banal of sentiments with melody doesn't distract from the fact that he's singing about almost nothing.

3. Miley Cyrus - "Party in the USA"
"Movin my hips like 'yeah'"
Whats worse, her parents letting (or possibly recommending) her dress like a giant slut in her videos and she's not even seventeen, or that that they let her frog-voice this shit all over American airwaves?

4. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys - "Empire State of Mind"
"Concrete jungle where dreams are made of / There's nothing you can’t do / Now you're in New York!!! / These streets will make you feel brand new / bright lights will inspire you"
This would have sounded hackneyed in a '50s television commercial. That's the best you can come up with Alicia, you corny half-talent? Pop lyrics don't have to be poetry ... but this shit wouldn't even pass in a 12th grade English class. When you are just rhyming cliches, it's not song writing, it's rearranging phrases that have existed in the lexicon for decades. People will still buy (illegally download) this, feel the empty "inspirational" message — watch Oprah — go to bed, wake up and do it all over again the next day.

5. Cage the Elephant - "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked"
"Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked / Money don't grow on trees / I got bills to pay / I got mouths to feed / There ain't nothing in this world for free / I know I can't slow down / I can't hold back..."
I could have included this entire song, but you get the point with just the chorus. Again, like the Keys' hook, there is nary an original idea nor concept buried in this list of cliches. Nothing is more infuriating that hearing meaningless aphorisms delivered with the attitude and swagger of a wannabe rock 'n' roller.

6. Trey Songz ft. Soulja Boy & Gucci Mane - "LOL Smiley Face"
Every lyric in the entire song
Crass consumerism is par for the course in popular music. Pop-rappers like to rhyme about gold and cars and other empty pursuits that wouldn't sound any more or less interesting with or without a beat, and that's expected when they name themselves after clothing labels. But this shit, my god, this shit takes the motherfucking proverbial cake. I get physically angry when I hear the verse about texting on the Blackberry. It's almost as brutal as that Chris Brown (or Neyo or whoever) song (commercial) about double mint gum. Remember in "Demolition Man" (if you weren't born in the '80s you weren't the right age when this came out, if you were born in the '80s it was the best action movie ever when we were about 12) when every one's favorite radio station played nothing but old commercials? We are in an even worse version of that future, we actually listen to new songs written independently (maybe not) with the same intent as commercials — to make plastic crap no one needs sound and look sexy, cool and essential.

7. LMFAO ft. Lil Jon - "Shots"
Every lyric in the entire song
This song is enjoyed equally by all the worst segments of modern society — new haircut guys in clubs, frat brahs, high school girls carrying bottles of Bacardi Razz like a badge of honor, sorostitutes and every idiotic townie at the college bar.

8. Shinedown — "Second Chance"
Every lyric in the entire song, but especially the line "I just saw Haley's Comet" which inexplicably appears repeatedly.
The chorus, "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance," if I'm viewing the music video correctly, means running from your abusive household so your dad can continue to beat the fuck out of your younger siblings while you go onto bigger and better things. That's the "positive" message.
This video has been a favorite of my friends and I all year. The derf-rock singer has mastered the hand-movements seeming to mime-pull the sun in while fighting it off, whist staring into the horizon as the wind blows his hair-hair. Even better than the song's lyrics are the painfully oblivious, earnest and wholly stupid comments 13-years-olds have been leaving under the video on youtube.

A sampling:

FrankieAlcala09 This song was like it was my heart singing I felt so much like this song that I did a dance for my school

C4r1y1996 I feel so bad for that girl. :[I nearly cried...and the ...little brother...she left themm. D:But I see her point of view. This is an awesome song.

SxR4Real I love this song bcuz it kinda relates to almost everyonei no it relates to me bcuz my parents always blame me and get angry at me for no reason and i just want to run away.


Anonymous said...

hahaha well done. I understand that the lyrics in the Cage the Elephant song arent good, but I still like the song. with no ipod in the truck, I get real excited when it comes on. poor me. I wish i never sent you a link to that song. haha oh god. little did i know you'd later make fun of it.

The Juice Box said...

Ohmigod all these songs suck. But I totally understood where you were coming from, like, on a deep level.

"LOL :)"

(Bee-tee-dubbs - you should make this a recurring feature.)