Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Yesterday's forcast: Rain with a 100 percent chance of fail

Other than "Drag Me to Hell," the new releases this Tuesday were enough to motivate anyone to smash their home entertainment center. Read 'um and weep (I have not seen any of these movies, premature judgments made solely on DVD covers and trailers. Some of these might have come out before Tuesday)

"The Proposal" Watch Sandra Bullock shove more weak innuendo and half-hearted slapstick comedy down your happy little smiling face. Eat it up, it's Sandra, motherfuckers. Extra garbage bonus points for Ryan Reynolds' eternally smirking mug. Fail

"The Soloist" Judging by the cover and trailer, Robert Downey Jr. briefly shelved the 8-balls and instead snorted kilos of manic-mentor-sentimental-pixie dust to guide Jaime Fox's carazzzy cello genius in this attempted middle-brow prestige fest. The usually reliable RDJr should have left this role to Robin Williams, so we could ignore it all together. Jaime Foxx took a break from randomly mailing anthrax (that's not true) and carefully avoided going "full retard" here, but the Oscars are still not going to take the bait. This trap is more obvious than the Perverted Justice freaks who lure pederasts into Chris Hansons' cookie and lemonade torture (interview) chamber. Fail

"Land of the Lost" Who the fuck was this movie made for? Not children, it's got Danny McBride and Will Ferrel making bestiality jokes and otherwise not-suitable-for-the-tykes wisecracks (so I've heard). Not adults, it's got Will Ferrel and Danny McBride in a non R-rated flick. Not anyone, it's a remake of a crappy children's show mostly remembered for the cheesy dinosaurs and otherwise kitsch-heavy appeal. Off with the studio exec's heads. Fail

"Management" I've never even heard of this, but it's got Jennifer Aniston smiling, with a certain degree of undeserved superiority with a dash of "workplace relationships do the darndest things." Steve Zahn is resting his head on her shoulder, gazing towards her commanding bone structure like a castrated poodle. Fail

"The Last House on the Left" I'm running out of hate here, too much crap released on one Tuesday. Anywho ... Fail

Should this be a recurring feature?

4 comments:

Abby said...

When I saw the trailer for The Soloist, I was positively laughing my ass off. It looked like Ray, but with less blindness and more RDJ sniffing out (puns!) an Oscar cash cow that the Oscars... are not going to recognize. Then he'll get all pissy and dramatic like he did when he lost for his comedic (read: never wins Oscars) turn in Tropic Thunder.

Drag me to Hell is one of the best movies I've seen this year. Sam Raimi needs to stay away from Spider-man 3, Panic! at the Disco Peter Parker-types and capitalize on that camp. The goat at the end of the movie is all I have to say. Brilliant.

And yeah, I'd read this as a recurring feature.

Warped Coasters said...

I haven't been a big fan of any of the Spider Man movies. Have you seen the first one recently? It's awful — Cheesy over-acting, overly-sentimental with lame special affects.

I still haven't seen "Drag Me to Hell," meant to see it in theaters and didn't. Should have it in on Netflix by Saturday.

Has anyone seen any of the movies in this post? Any redeeming factors that aren't apparent in the trailers and/or DVD covers?

The Juice Box said...

I have the Soloist sitting on my DVD shelf now, and it has been for the past two weeks. Other than that, I haven't seen any on this list.

Thumbs up to this feature, though. Keep doing it. :)

The Juice Box said...

I want to clarify, it's sitting on my shelf still in its Netflix envelope. I did not purchase it.