Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Walmart week, pt. 1

According to the AP, Christina Aguilera has become the latest musician to release an album exclusively through one retailer.
The AP reports:

"The multiplatinum singer announced Wednesday that her greatest hits CD "Keeps Gettin' Better — A Decade of Hits" will be released only at Target. The CD, out Nov. 11, will feature two new songs as well as rerecorded versions of two other hits, "Genie in a Bottle" and "Beautiful."
Aguilera is following a growing list of acts who have struck exclusive deals with retailers. Wal-Mart has had huge success with similar deals with The Eagles, Journey, and Garth Brooks; AC/DC's October release of "Black Ice" will be available only at Wal-Mart, its affiliated Sam's Club and the band's Web site. The Eagles comeback album, "Long Road Out of Eden," was the third-best selling CD of 2007 with 2.6 million copies sold.
Target exclusively released John Legend's "Live from Philadelphia" in January and has had other exclusive releases of special edition albums by the likes of Alicia Keys and Carrie Underwood."

At first I was worried I wouldn't be able to find all the albums I read about in Tiger Beat for sale at the Disney Store.
But, if all pop albums and saggy-skinned classic-rock comebacks can be consolidated at Walmart and Target, my most favorite places to buy music, I like won't have to shop anywhere else ever again!
But how will I ever choose between the Eagle's newest dick-shrinking cringe fest and Christina's new versions of "Genie in a Bottle" and "Beautiful?" I won't have to. I'll buy both ... at convenient locations!

But seriously folks, this is the first thing the music industry has done right in about 25 years. Quarantining all the music no one should ever hear in one sterile and safe shopping environment can only be good for the rest of us on this side of the cultural divide. I can pretend it doesn't even exist.
Nearly every CD sold at Walmart (The Eagles, Bon Jovi, Jessica Simpson) is the same bastardization of whatever the hell "country" means now — a grating pop song with a with a hint of twang ... about "down home stuff"... without an urban beat — I guess.
So, all the music sounds and looks the same and it's all sold in same giant store where all the customers smell and taste the same. Like chicken.

In related news, Darius Rucker is releasing a solo country album — that's Hootie, from Hootie and the Blow Fish, the black one in that really white band. You know, that guy they only recently let onto golf courses without having to pretend he's carrying the drummer's clubs.
AP reports, "His timing is good for crossing over. Country radio seems wide-open with Jewel, the Eagles and Bon Jovi all finding success. Besides Rucker, this week's Billboard country Top 10 also includes Kid Rock's "All Summer Long."

OMG OMG OMG, I bet I can find it all at Walmart!

Post Script: If anyone can come up with a catchy genre name for the "country" music recorded by pop and rock acts and sold at Walmart I'll give you a big, platonic yet sensual hug. I can't come up with anything good, here are a few half-hearted attempts:
"Fauxntry Western"
"County Walmartstern"


Anonymous said...

dude, its about time! I almost gave up checking this. and I vote for "crap" as the genre name. A friend asked me the other day how I could like Bluegrass but not country radio stations, I didnt even attempt a reply.

Amber Krosel said...

I say, "Crock"


or, "Pockuntry"

-kinda sounds like a pocket full of shit. or a gross hot pocket. either way, i like it. and i want my hug!

thanks for posting a blog, by the way. i missed your witticisms.