FIRSTIES!

Depending on the Web site, comment boards can occasionally be more interesting than the object of discussion itself. Sometimes the entertainment value lies in the irrelevant, inane or half-baked nature of the posts. But when you stumble upon safe havens for complete and articulate thought, the comment boards can actually add insight and (most importantly) sharp humor to the subject at hand. Luckily for masochists and idiots everywhere, those safe havens are few and far between. Starting with the most shit-stained comment board on the planet, YouTube, and ending with this Troll's favorite, here is the countdown of four Web sites and their message boards.

YouTube.com
The majority of Youtube commenters need to be quarantined for humanity's sake, LOL, which I guess, due to the popularity of the site, Fag!, means that the human race is no longer worthy of existence, LMAO Nobama!!!!!. YouTube can feel like a virtual playground for every snot-nosed 14-year-old know-nothing with a keyboard. A quick survey of any YouTube discussion reveals that: A.) just because someone can use Internet Explorer doesn't mean they should; B.) 9/11 was the most elaborate conspiracy ever executed by President Bush, Jews, Muslims and most notably Fags!!!; C.) everyone is a Fag; and D.) Hopefully the majority of commenters on YouTube don't accidentally stumble onto any of my favorite Web sites.

IMDB.com
(Internet Movie Database)
The most useful site for quick and easy cast/crew reference and fact checking has only slightly better boards than YouTube. It is possible to find plenty of reasonable discussions regarding themes, interpretations or insights (both good and bad) on nearly every movie ever released. But sometimes it feels like everyone else commenting on IMDB claims to be cousins with an extra who nearly made it on set and almost saw so-and-so hungover and/or visibly angry. If you aren't said cousin, then you are surely asking commenters if so-and-so shows her tits in the movie, or claims that so-and-so looks like a specific porn star or other attractive actress. Like any other site, reasonable questions are often answered with extra nasty bile and condescension. Still, I religiously check IMDB (to find what an actor's name was, etc) immediately after watching most movies, and (in the case of a lot of David Lynch films) go to the message boards for new ideas and insights into the cryptic symbols.


Amazon.com
My favorite Amazon.com product reviews are the "One Star" ratings that typically use an entire arsenal of cliches to denigrate an apparently disliked CD, movie, appliance, whatever. These usually rail against "critics and Hipsters" that tell everyone to like "total garbage" that isn't actually any good. Example: "How can you f*cking morans [sic] like the WHite Stripes?!? They are erratanting!!!! [sic]." These people are gloriously full of shit, uninspired and typically illinformed in their opinions about the genre or product.

AVclub.com
The best comment boards on the Internet belong to my favorite Web site for arts and entertainment coverage, the Onion's AV Club. Staff writers on the AV Club actually join in on the discussions below the stories, answering questions posed by readers, or occasionally defending content in the story. There has been at least one commenter who was actually offered (and accepted) a job on staff after the Web site noticed his consistently informed and witty rebuttal. Some of the funnier things I have ever read were posted by nobodies below the story. The discussions have a propensity to delve off into interesting tangents, arguments and conversation. There are even AV Club comment board celebrities, if you will. Often imitated but never replicated, ZODIAC M0THERFUCKER always types in caps, is more extreme than any other human being on the planet and would probably kill your extended family with unbridled vitriol given the chance. He doesn't comment often anymore, but the AV Club staff will email him with requests to weigh in on certain stories.

Here is one of his more inspired exchanges, from when the AV Club's Taste Test feature asked ZODIAC to provide commentary about some really spicy chips:

http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/taste_test_death_rain_habanero

The boards aren't solely for ironic nonsense, the majority of posters on the AV Club know their shit, and aren't too modest to let everyone know about it.